The NBA playoffs are over. The crazy season full of surprises, disappointments, good commercials, epic games, epic meltdowns, biased commentary (Jeff Van Gundy wants to MARRY Kobe Bryant, I swear) and rising ratings has come to an end. And oh boy what an end it was. This year of playoff action was some of the best we’ve seen since the Heat won it all—and those who remember it well remember the absolute insanity contained there. I lost hair on my head that year, as we had too many nail-biters to count.
However, the NBA is still an absolute mess. The referees ruined what could have been the best playoff action since the 90s when every team that entered was actually damn damn good. But it’s not just the refs; it’s the players and the watered-down physical play of the league itself. What used to be a rough-and-tough league full of rivalries, injuries, hostile environments, notable clashes (See: Karl Malone vs. Dennis Rodman) has been dwindled into the second-weakest sports league in the world (the NFL still takes the cake, but that’s a way different story). Even the NHL has improved in recent years with some of their rules and inability to chow down on physical play. I’ve accumulated a list of things that the NBA should think about for next season; these are things that would definitely improve the game and would entice me to watch it.
#1: Every Foul Gives Your Team -2 Points
Hack-a-Shaq-Howard-Wallace will cease to exist. I hate these strategic fouls done at the end of games. Plus they slow down the pacing of the NBA. Now, if we take away points for every foul, then players will not want to do it, allowing for us to see interrupted play for longer periods of time. Flagrant Fouls? -4 points. Technical Fouls? -328 points. I feel sorry for whomever has Dwight Howard and/or Ron Artest as a teammate.
#2: Halfcourt shots = 20 points
Your team is down by an ishload? Have no fear; the 20-pointer is here! So, grab those four-leaf clovers, lucky rabbits, lucky feet, lucky coins, and lucky eyeballs before the game and take those crazy shots at totally random intervals for poops and giggles. However, if someone perfects that shot, we’ll see point averages go up a bit. LeBron will be averaging 100 points a game despite making only 5 shots a game. The stats people will have a field day with this new rule. Let’s add to it: slam dunks are 4 points, full-court shots are 50 points, and free throws are 1483 points. Don’t worry, nobody in the NBA knows how to make free throws….
#3: 7-Second Fireball
The 7-second violation exists, but isn’t utilized well-enough. We need to spice it up. How about, 7 seconds in the shot clock, the center part of the court bursts into flames until the play is over. Not only will that make our players run faster, but will prevent these idiots from backing up all the way to the halfcourt point to run the clock. Play the game you little wimp, or else we can serve you with a side of mashed potatoes and corn. Adding to the mayhem is if a steal is committed and the flames are still bursting. We can have commentators finally say with accuracy “HE’S ON FIRE!!”
#4: Traveling. Forgetting the bags
This one is very simple. Whenever somebody travels the ball, the bench of the opposing team is allowed to throw full suitcases at the guilty. Now these douchebags will never walk with the ball again. That or they’ll never have to purchase luggage for the rest of their life.
#5: Trampolines
Do I need to even explain myself? Installing trampolines on the ground will make competitive play so much more fun. For even more hilarity, we can put them in utterly random locations so players won’t know that they are on a platform until they are halfway in the air. Randomness like this has to work.
#6: Floppers win fake Academy Awards, then get pelted in the head with them.
I hate floppers. A lot. I hate people that pretend like they are fouled. It makes me want to punch a chipmunk. Yes, a chipmunk. However, we can quickly avert this situation by hiring professional acting professors to watch the game. When a flopper is doing his dirty work, the professor presses a special button. When a timeout is called, the award show will be done during the commercial break, in which they reveal the Academy Award for Best Actor in a Supporting or a Leading role. The professional hands it to the player, and then beats him over the head with it. And we won’t call it a foul.
Stupid floppers.
#7: Shot Clock Bomb
George Carlin once recommended that the shot clock should be only two mere seconds. While the concept is definitely entertaining it couldn’t work. However, it bothers me when players pass the ball constantly as if it were a bad game of hot potato. I’ll resolve this issue right now: the ball is a bomb and ticks louder if you don’t hurl it towards the basket. Finally, if it goes 24 seconds without a shot, BOOM! The amount of injured players may increase, the amount of property damage may increase, and so will the amount of near fatalities amongst the players and people in the front row. But hey, it makes for great entertainment. Plus the amount of shots taken per game will definitely increase.
#8: Refs for the refs
If refs screw up, the SuperRefs blow the whistle and hand them a foul. 3 fouls and they won’t get a paycheck. Plain and simple. But who refs the SuperRefs??
#9: 12-on-12
Why only 5-on-5 basketball? I think all 12 players should be on the court at the same time. No substitutions will ever be needed. If a player gets injured, replace him with the mascot. If a 2nd player (or the mascot) gets injured, send in some lucky guy in the front row. If someone needs to use the restroom, well, he can go at anytime, but has to keep in mind its not 12-on-11 for those few seconds.
#10: Sudden Death
Screw overtime, if the game is over and there’s a tie, we go into sudden death. We flip a coin:
Heads: The first shot wins. In this time period, no whistles will be blown. Absolute mayhem follows. We will have fouls, (flagrant, technical, deadly), traveling, goaltending, and any other kind of rule breaking that you can fathom. It will be 10 (or 24) players on the court doing whatever it takes to make the stupid shot. The last time there’s such violence in an arena will be the gladiator days back in the Roman times. Chairs will be thrown, mascots will be sacrificed, and in all the meantime the halfcourt line is on fire, the ball is blowing up every 24 seconds, the refs are sitting in the corner (weeping softly). Sudden Death could take hours and will take lives, but at least your got your money’s worth.
Tails: The best player from each team is on the court, nobody else. The entire court turns into a big trampoline. The first shot wins. Nuff’ said.
Yes, by now, you are hoping that the coin is two-sided. It is. It will always land on heads.
Always.
So there you have it, 10 simple ways to improve the NBA. If we follow my lead, the NBA will once again revert to its 90s greatness---with a few differences.
P.S. Always on heads.
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