It was clear at the end of The Karate Kid, Part III that there was no more life left in the series, at least not as it existed then. If Ralph Macchio were to stay on, they’d have to start calling it The Karate Adult. Hell, even series regulars such as director John G. Avildsen and screenwriter Robert Mark Kamen knew a sinking ship when they saw it, and fled to do other mediocre projects instead. But to an enterprising producer looking to guarantee easy money through a franchise name at any costs, this is by no means a death sentence. Just get some new guys unfamiliar with the concept of dignity (in this case director Christopher Cain and screenwriter Mark Lee) and switch things up just slightly. Maybe aim for a new demographic.Indeed, demographics, that concept more at home in business than art, is the driving principle behind The Next Karate Kid. For here they have made the wise decision to ditch Daniel in favor of a younger twenty-something to portray a teenager. And this time, the kid is a girl. Ooh, major earth-shattering series shakeup there, guys. The bald contempt that drove this movie is even evident in the tagline, which states, “Who says the good guy has to be a guy?” Sure it’s a kid’s film, but come on guys, Ripley’d been around for nearly two decades by this point.
Ah, but it’s been five years since the last entry, a box office underperformer at that. Something had to be done, that is, if you actually accepted the need for another Karate Kid movie. But in 1994, that series was long gone from audience’s minds, especially audiences for family movies, which age and move on more rapidly than other demographics. And come on! The Next Karate Kid is hardly a title that inspires confidence. It both proclaims its pointlessness, and subtly threatens the possibility of future entries to follow.
But let’s get to the movie, which surely – Ugh! Oh man, that’s some awful upbeat military brass band music playing over the opening! And for people working through the entire series, it’s now clear the reins have finally changed – the mise-en-scene of The Next Karate Kid is totally unlike Avildsen’s approach. So there’s Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita, a shadow of a shadow of his former self) as part of a ceremony for his 442nd fighting unit from WWII. Enjoy this bit of series continuity; it shall be sorely missed here.
We are in “Boston,” as titles on screen declare to us over a shot of the Boston skyline. Why the change in location? Possibly to thoroughly sever ties to the former movies, and to completely avoid the question of who’s beating up Daniel LaRusso now. Mr. Miyagi is dining with the widow of his old army buddy, Louise Pierce (the widow, not the buddy), in her affluent suburban home. Goodbye class consciousness undercurrents! Then Louise’s granddaughter arrives, the titular “next karate kid,” in the form of Julie Pierce (Hilary Swank, star of Boys Don’t Cry, Million Dollar Baby, and The Core – One of these things is not like the other). The only reason anyone remembers this movie now, outside of franchise completism, is as an embarrassing blip on Swank’s rather promising career. And because it’s the type of movie it is, Julie is “troubled,” a trait that’s more or less just assigned to her rather than explored, explained or elaborated. Miyagi watches as Julie argues with her grandmother, and delivers easily some of the most awkward exposition I’ve seen outside of fan fiction. In a single healthy, unnatural sentence, Julie explains out of the blue how both her parents died in a car crash – the lazy writer’s preferred method of killing off parents – and that, indeed, Julie’s name is Julie. Julie storms out. “I don’t know what to do anymore,” says Louise, echoing the producers’ sentiments.
It’s nighttime, and we’re at one of those fancy East Coast high schools I have no real world experience with. Julie sneaks into the building and creeps along to the roof, no doubt to do something “troubled.” Up there she opens up a prominent pigeon coop and tends to an injured eagle, Angel – the unfortunate recipient of further character exposition from Julie. We learn that Julie is secretly keeping this bird on the school’s roof, creating the need to break curfew and trespass on a regular basis in order to feed it…Why isn’t this animal at a shelter?! Eh, plot stuff, though it makes Julie a little harder to swallow as a normal protagonist. Then the cops show up below, instantly notice Julie on the roof, and creep around looking for her. Julie is about to sneak past when she inexplicably decides to shine/throw her flashlight at them. Therefore they give chase, and yet Julie still escapes. And the cops could care less about that eagle.
Back at home, Julie has another clunky argument with her grandmother. Louise then announces something very quick and confusing, that she shall be going to California to take care of Mr. Miyagi’s house while Miyagi in turn stays here to take care of Julie. It’s treated like a practical necessity, because somehow Miyagi can’t just go back to his own home, but it’s really the lazy excuse this time around to ally Miyagi and his potential pupil. You know, the ways Miyagi and pupil are connected get far more strained in each movie, really showing the artificiality of this franchise formula outside of the natural first movie.
Julie returns to the school in the daytime, presented in a musical montage that very much wishes it were the one from Donnie Darko. First visuals, then dialogue relay the odd specifics of how this school functions – odd specifics designed to glom the (un)necessary bully subplot into place. It seems this school, again unlike any I’ve actually known, is the police state of its respected security officer, Colonel Dugan (Michael Ironside, villain of fewer Paul Verhoeven films than I’d expected – I was sure he was in Robocop). Dugan runs the Alpha Elite, a cabal of, yes, alpha males who enforce Dugan’s fascist rules like so many Ilsa extras, and presumably rape female students. I make this assumption based on the interaction Julie has with alpha Alpha Elite elite Ned (Michael Cavalieri) in the school’s plant room. The movie’s PG rating is in dire jeopardy until Dugan shows up, at which point Ned accuses Julie of possessing cigarettes he suddenly has on him – ah yes, the plant room.
Okay, visit to the principle…Dugan has Elite pledge Eric McGowen (Chris Conrad) escort Julie to her next class. The mere presence of a last name indicates that Eric is the designated love interest for this entry, and the gender switch premise does nothing to improve these useless romantic subplots. Oh, and Conrad is so ridiculously old-looking for a supposed fellow student that I genuinely thought he was one of the faculty until on-screen evidence suggested otherwise. And his early scene with Julie does nothing for this movie, as its highlight is a rancid bit of dialogue where he believes her name isn’t “Julie,” but rather “Go to Hell.” Okay then…Also, Eric learns about Julie’s secret eagle on the roof (I’m sure the unseen janitor knows about it too). She begs him to keep her secret, and I lose the ability to pay attention to their dialogue, so distracted am I by Swank’s midriff.
Since the film’s about a “new” character, that’s all excuse we need to simply run through the first movie’s plot points verbatim sans apology. Next up is the equivalent of Kreese’s espousal of violence in the dojo, now shown as Dugan’s espousal of violence on the school’s soccer field. Miyagi is there to listen to all this nonsense, and to witness Dugan cruelly beat several of his loyal minions to the ground to prove a non-point. I’m surprised any school would condone such activity, and allow it to happen on school property. And because all Karate Kid villains are unjustifiably aggressive, Dugan picks on Eric for his relative pacifism, attempts to beat him to death in public, then confronts Miyagi, who has the audacity to put a stop to all this.
Now, Miyagi was at school to pick up Julie. This does not happen, since she’s out for a ride with Eric in his fancy old car (even though Miyagi just saved Eric – confusing continuity). Eric rambles endlessly about his wonderful car, but since this isn’t a Fast and the Furious movie, I no longer care about such things. I could also care less about the back story Eric delivers to Julie once they’re perched upon a train at the train yards. Basically, it seems Eric wishes to go to school in Annapolis, and I can only assume he means the Naval Academy and not St. John’s across the street from it.
At home, Miyagi accidentally walks in on Julie in her room and sees a little side-breast. Blah de blah blah blah, more talk about how she’s “troubled,” yadda yadda, Julie races out into the street and does a little karate kick to avoid being hit by a pizza delivery car. Then Julie runs back from whence she came (her house), where Miyagi asks her where she learned such karate. Julie’s father taught it to her, and in turn Miyagi taught Julie’s father. And Miyagi was taught by his own father, so this is some rather third generation karate being practiced here. Both express generic laments about loss of parents, and Miyagi realizes Julie can continue his karate legacy (Miyagi’s apparently sick of having wasted three movies on that LaRusso kid).
That night, Julie rocks out in her room. Then a confusing edit happens.
Julie and Miyagi have a conversation concerning Julie’s (re: Swank’s) looks, a debate that would later form an entire episode of “The Office.” Miyagi proposes starting Julie’s training with the car waxing routine, but Julie refuses. Instead Miyagi sets up an entirely pointless plot detour where Julie babysits three young boys next door, resulting in a very sub-Home Alone montage involving plenty of product placement from Nerf.
The next night Julie rocks out again, in a characteristically counterintuitive attempt to assure Miyagi is asleep. Then she sneaks out, headed back to school to feed her eagle – man that sounds like a double entendre of some sort. But this time those wicked Alpha Elites are ready for her, Ned commanding a small posse of Cobra-Kais-in-everything-but-name. The thugs chase Julie endlessly through the school halls, the icky potential for rape again on the table. But don’t worry, because obviously Miyagi was awake when Julie left, and obviously this is that point in the story where he saves her from the bullies…Right? I guess they’re putting it off a little, since Julie escapes Ned’s clutches time and again on her own. Then she’s running for the school’s outer gate. Ah, but it’s locked, right, so Miyagi will have to come and save her, right?...Nope! Instead the gate opens, and the cops arrive to take Julie in as “evidence.”
Julie has been suspended from school. This provides the impetus for a completely uninterrupted Second Act of karate training with Miyagi. This is to happen far from home, prompting some minor road trip shenanigans. They stop to refuel as this backwoods gas station, populated by several loathsome redneck trucker stereotypes – sadly, I can attest to this form of asshole actually existing in real life. The rednecks take great pleasure in the fact a Doberman Pinscher is about to kill Julie on their doorstep when Miyagi calms the dog down with comedic nonviolence. The lead stereotype is astoundingly angry that Miyagi had the gall to interact with his dog (he thinks Miyagi made the dog gay – seriously), and offers a solution where he rapes and murders Julie and Miyagi, respectively. In response to all this, Miyagi viciously beats up all the stereotypes, as is his pacifist wont. Then he and Julie are back on the road, where this scene shall never again be mentioned. That really was just a random bit of nothing, justified only as an excuse to present us with Miyagi’s pacifist philosophies in the least appropriate way possible.
They reach their destination, a Buddhist monastery right there in the middle of the Massachusetts forests. This is, again, a random little development, further proof that there was really no story or content that needed to be told. All this is filler.
So, interspersed with a stultifying depiction of the quiet monastic lifestyle, we get lengthy scenes of Miyagi schooling Julie in the profound ways of the karate montage. Miyagi’s entire training regimen is now quite unlike what he employed with Daniel, mostly to put something new up on screen. There’s no practical reason to switch up the training techniques so much. The central lesson this time is to get Julie to perform a jumping kick as she leaps from one rock to another in the middle of a Japanese sand garden. Wow, Julie could genuinely crack her head open on one of these rocks – this is a surprisingly dangerous thing Miyagi is suggesting. I’m surprised he’s never been sued. Also, Julie learns not to kill cockroaches in front of monks.
Meanwhile, lover boy Eric is practicing Violence with his fellow Alpha Elites in Dugan’s presence when a faculty member arrives saying there is an emergency phone call from Eric’s mom. Dugan is incensed that Eric would even dare abandon his beloved Violence for such a reason! It turns out it’s simply Julie, calling to make sure the eagle is okay. The eagle?! I seriously don’t get this hang up. Don’t keep it at school! Julie also apologizes for impersonating Eric’s mother (I’d have loved to hear the first part of her call), because what’s the worst that could happen? Well, a murderous rampage from Dugan in the climax, for one. Because who cares what sort of flimsy reason we provide?
Back at the monastery, Julie wanders aimlessly through a flower field, and the movie seriously starts to drag. Julie presents a praying mantis to the main monk to apologize for the cockroach fiasco. Several pointless, self-contained scenes later, Julie successfully performs the rock-to-rock jump kick, to Miyagi’s pride. So overjoyed is she at her success that she proceeds to trample all over the sacred rock garden, disturbing the impeccably raked sand as she capers about.
There is one other major training Miyagi provides, and I would be remiss to leave it out. This involves Julie creeping about in a darkened barn as monks hurl sandbags at her. Randomness. This movie is essentially one long Mad Libs. The important thing is that Miyagi trains Julie to do this blindfolded, to trust in her other senses. Let’s just remember that one.
Ready for one more random scene having little to do with anything else? Fine. For now it’s Julie’s birthday, the night before they are to leave the monastery. The monks provide her with a birthday cake. Then they and Miyagi perform something called “Zen archery.” Now, both “Zen” and “archery” are things, but Wikipedia would have me believe that “Zen archery” is not. Anyway, “Zen archery” apparently involves one monk firing an arrow at Miyagi, who proceeds to catch the arrow in his hands rather than die horribly for no purpose. Some vague dialogue suggests this might have something to do with the whole chopstick/fly thing, an element this series dropped a long time back.
Upon her return to school, Julie asks of Eric that most sane and logical of all questions: “How’s my eagle?” Eric takes Julie to the roof to see, except Ned and his Elite stooges have spirited the bird away. Ned and Eric fight on the roof’s edge, with much talk of future eagle torture.
Just like that, Julie and Miyagi rescue Angel (the eagle) from the animal shelter. Phew! At Miyagi’s insistence, they head to a lake to release Angel into the wilds. Julie has a lengthy farewell with the bird, with plenty of talk about freedom and whatnot, and this should be the movie’s best scene, like the deep bonding between Daniel and Miyagi in the original Karate Kid, except anything heartfelt here is presented with so little imagination it cannot make an impact. Like something from the Hallmark Chanel. Then the eagle flies away triumphantly. Go, Mordecai, go!
So, at this late stage there’s nowhere really obvious for the story to go, so Julie just up and announces she has been asked to the prom we’ve heard nothing about yet by Eric. This provokes the worst scene in the entire series as Mr. Miyagi alone goes dress shopping. Miyagi presents this dress to Julie, and of course it fits perfectly. Drawn by whatever vague monk sense they have, the monks from the monastery then randomly appear at Julie’s house in a VW van – Randomness! It’s all randomness! Then Miyagi teaches Julie the “karate waltz.” Um…
Prom night is here, so Eric is here. He picks up Julie, and a weak attempt at comedy is made as he traverses a suburban house filled with Buddhist monks. The film’s simultaneous impulse to treat the monks with respect and make them the butt of jokes just makes them nonentities. Eric drives Julie to the prom, inexplicably driving the wrong way down a one way street in an extended sequence that is at home nowhere. And then there they are at the prom, dancing to the bland pop music of the 90s. And…nothing happens.
Since that prom is surprisingly not the centerpiece you’d think it is, let’s just throw in a scene of Miyagi and the monks out on the town, a scene that makes the movie’s randomness up to this point seem reasoned and justified. The monks go bowling! (Shades of Napoleon in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, but lacking in jokes or extensive French swearing.) Whilst bowling, the monks resolve an exceedingly minor conflict with an aggressive fellow bowler, who, in this theme of randomness, makes the earlier truckers’ aggression seem absolutely justified. Wow, I can just feel this movie withering away before my eyes.
Okay, back to the prom. Nothing story-related is happening here, but there’s one way to resolve this – Randomness! So three Alpha Elites just suddenly bungee jump down from the gym’s ceiling, and one of them breaks his arm. Again, this has nothing to do with anything. Unable to comprehend what’s going on, Julie and Eric decide to leave, killing off my desire that we’d see the climactic karate fight take place on the dance floor. Come on, the possibility was right there! Why didn’t they take it?
No, instead Eric drives Julie home when Ned shows up, the powers of plot and randomness beckoning him. Ned proceeds to break the windows of Eric’s car. The various Cobra Kai, er, Alpha Elite invite Eric to a fight down at the docks, using a tactic of taunting that proved equally successful against Marty McFly. Eric accepts this challenge, driving off to the docks while Julie stays at home with Mr. Miyagi, back from the bowling reshoots.
Wait, the story is about Eric now? Not Julie? Okay then. So Eric faces off against Ned at the docks, Dugan and the entirety of his Elite army surrounding them with a circle of fire. Just as they’ve occasionally practiced on the soccer field, if Dugan is to be believed. Ned easily thrashes Eric, and Dugan is extremely vocal that Ned go right ahead and murder Eric right there for the minor, minor infraction of answering an emergency phone call. I can’t believe the whole plot is riding on this.
Okay, now Julie shows up for her own climax. Sadly, she’s no longer wearing her prom dress, which is a shame because it would have been so much more awesome to see her fight in that, rather than her current jeans and T-shirt combo. Miyagi is there, and he gives Julie his blessing to fight Ned, which sounds wise rather than unjustifiable coming from Miyagi since there is now “Asiany” music on the soundtrack. So Julie fights Ned, using her two weeks’ worth of karate knowledge to easily best him. Ned only gains the upper hand when he throws sand (all over concrete docks, you know) in Julie’s eyes, blinding her. Plot gymnastics have, for the fourth time in as many movies, managed to create precisely the scenario needed for a Special Move. Recalling Julie’s blindfolded blindsiding barn business earlier, she uses her “chi” or whatever to defeat Ned for good.
Julie and Miyagi are ready to leave when Dugan demands more Violence. [Sigh!] Fine, now Miyagi has to fight Dugan. And Miyagi wins this fight, which bores me just to type. The various Alpha Elites turn their backs on Dugan, finally realizing his whole school security cult thing made no sense. And Julie, eyes totally healed now her fight’s over, walks away with Miyagi. Again the final shot is a freeze frame of Mr. Miyagi, this time with a flying eagle superimposed over him. They actually found a way to make these endings more clichéd!
It’s amazing how much more contrived this move is than Part III, and that one had to jump through figurative hoops to justify repeating the story from the original with the same characters. The story of The Next Karate Kid is again just the same, though the stuff with the prom and the monks and the school security show just how little sense this story makes when changed around. And if The Karate Kid, Part III didn’t make it clear, The Next Karate Kid genuinely killed off the franchise – at least in its Pat Morita phase. This movie was an outright bomb, earning a mere $8 million worldwide, less than its budget and roughly 1/10th of what The Karate Kid made domestically. There were never even any attempts to continue the series DTV. It was over. They couldn’t let the series end on a high note, as we hope all franchises would, but rather drove it into the ground until the mechanism was broken beyond repair.
But a lesson that shall come up time and again is that nothing can keep a franchise down, if it is so decided. Hell, filmgoers are so accustomed to thinking of these things are franchises, rather than stories, that we can accept a remake or a reboot with no difficulty. And because the world we currently live in is defined both by an obsession with remaking, as well as unhealthy 80s nostalgia, sixteen years after The Next Karate Kid there shall be a new entry in this franchise. And I am going to theaters to witness it.
Related posts:
• No. 1 The Karate Kid (1984)
• No. 2 The Karate Kid, Part II (1986)
• No. 3 The Karate Kid, Part III (1989)
• No. 5 The Karate Kid (2010)
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