Sequels don’t just come about by dint of an original’s quality, or success, or even how appropriate its story is for sequelization. Factors are more complicated than that, and so it is that Police Academy, though a late-stage entry in the early ‘80s “slobs vs. snobs” cycle, saw sequels, even while Animal House and Stripes did not. (Meanwhile, Ghostbusters, Caddyshack and Meatballs DID have sequels, but without any of the rapidity or proliferation of the Police Academy franchise.)
Of course, most of those other movies featured Bill Murray, whose notorious objection to sequels greatly delayed Ghostubsters II, while a potential Ghostbusters III remains a Murray-less pipe dream some two plus decades later still. Meanwhile, Police Academy’s cast was somewhat less picky, or significant, making it much easier to bring a large crew of misfits back. Large enough, at any rate, that Police Academy becomes known by its ensemble cast, rather than would-be superstar Steve Guttenberg. And with a rushed one year turnaround, Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment arrived in 1985 to take advantage of audiences’ inexplicable love for the first sloppy comedy.
Actually, though every production element appeare favorable for Police Academy redux, not every lovable loser makes a return. Rather, they’re reduced to a core group of six, not necessarily the best six (though Michael Winslow is there), but some six. Never mind none of these characters is deep enough to carry a “Saturday Night Live” sketch, now they’re expected to recycle their one-personality-trait “charm” in a second film, as jokes continue to build upon archetypes which barely sustained to begin with.
Once again, here is our (pared down) roster of “talent”:
Carey Mahoney (Steve Guttenberg): Wiseass heart of the team, and a 100th generation knockoff of Bill Murray, without any of the self-deprecation, or presence, or wit, or comic timing, it goes on. And with Mahoney’s “hook” from before gone (that he was a paroled felon), here it’s just Guttenberg stiffly cracking wise on occasion.
Larvell Jones (Michael Winslow): This is the one who makes the sound effects. He is the only element I’ve laughed at so far in the series. Frankly, a whole film could be built around him, and we’d be the better for it.
Moses Hightower (Bubba Smith): The other character I feel appreciation for. The former joke (the man is large) is dead now, so the only joke in Their First Assignment is how Hightower is similar to a football player. Because Bubba Smith was an NFLer. Stop it, you’re killing me!
Eugene Tackleberry (David Graf): The gun nut insane one, embodiment of many of the worst cop stereotypes, and a decent approximation of certain security-crazed kids I knew in high school.
Laverne Hooks (Marion Ramsey): The meek one, who is predictably assigned dispatch duties, as they proceed to milk even fewer gags from this unambitious “persona” than last time. It doesn’t help Marion Ramsey’s voice and demeanor rather put me in the mood of Butterfly McQueen from Gone with the Wind, and with that similarity many, many unfortunate racial connotations…Moving on…
Lastly, surely, Douglas Fackler (Bruce Mahler): Last time, I barely distinguished him as anything more than the odd-looking jerk with an allergy to the center of the frame. So, “the other one.” If anything, he’s even less distinct this time…though as odd-looking as ever.
The others are no longer with us, and with zero fanfare or comment. It’s no surprise Kim Cattrall bailed, but “the fat one,” “the Latino one,” or…Wait, that was it?! It seems more massive prior.
One of the major structural critiques of the first Police Academy (to say nothing of its innumerable fundamental misconceptions about the art of comedy) was that, as a Stripes rip-off, it had no real plot until the final 10 minutes. Their First Mission “solves” that problem (and no others) right off the bat, by positing a villain for the rookies to battle. That’s Zed (Bobcat Goldthwait, the lone standup whose voice rivals Gilbert Godfried for hatefulness), leader of the Scullion punk thug hoodlum gang of toughs, who run rampant throughout the entire 16th Precinct like in Death Wish 3. For the ostensible villain, Zed is just as grotesque as any of the regulars, a thoroughly deranged neurotic, hyper-emotional mess of a man. Let no one say this series is not consistent. Whatever the joke behind Zed, it is presented with the utmost desperation, Goldthwait hamming his role most violently. I’ve no doubt the man can be funny on his own, but this context makes him a shrieking black hole of comedy, in a franchise that is already somewhere near event horizon.
Considering Zed in the abstract, as the threat of baseless urban violence (ignoring how non-threatening Goldthwait is), precinct Captain Pete Lassard (Howard Hesseman) has but one month to turn his neighborhood around – or he’s out of a job. To that end, he has his brother Eric Lassard (a returning George Gaynes) provide the central goofballs who’ve all somehow become actual police officers now, despite a panoply of carefully selected comedic tics.
So Their First Assignment has as its final trajectory the elimination of Zed’s Scullions (sounds like a punk band, or a medical condition). In the meantime, it’s merely a chance to stick its former characters in a slightly different milieu – the actual beat – and fashion 90 minutes of poorly calculated, isolated comic hijinks. Making this film nearly as directionless as the original, which I guess I can’t fault a sequel for.
The old thread of internal conflict remains, though I hesitate to call the police antagonist of Their First Assignment anything like a “snob.” Yeah, the elements connecting Police Academy with that movement are largely gone now, for how little has changed, as it’s more dedicated to genial, flailing lunacy. But we’ll get to that. Opposing Mahoney et al, because he’s gunning for Pete’s captain position, is Lt. Mauser (Art Metrano). This gives them something of a replacement for the MIA Lt. Harris, with little of his own identity except for a noted lack of dignity…even compared to Harris.
In light of the reduced central roster, the rest of the 16th Precinct is populated by caricatured, unrealistic police officers, totally abandoning the original’s premise (that these are the first screw-up cops ever hired in Nameless City). Oh well, it’s not like they were gonna coast on making jokes out of Hooks or anything.
So a couple more character intros…
Sgt. Kathleen Kirkland (Colleen Camp): She replaces Cattrall’s Thompson, in that she is attractive…female…otherwise sans personality…Actually, that’s not fair. She has Tackleberry’s personality, almost as though writing a new character was too difficult for writers Barry Blaustein and David Sheffield (who did not write Police Academy, so ta-ta consistent voice). Thus the requisite romantic subplot goes to Tackleberry, as though this sort of thing ever really makes a difference. There’s not much heart to it, and no raunch, so they’re just depriving Guttenberg of the one bland thing he could do in the first one.
Rather, Guttenberg is paired with Officer Vinnie Schtulman (Peter Van Norden), who is the “fat one” when the former “fat one” has flown the coop. As “variation,” Schtulman isn’t just defined by his girth, but an all around slobbishness, a willingness to devour chocolate bars found melting on the sidewalk. He essentially sleeps within a pile of discarded fast food wrappers. How this guy got onto the force before Part One’s AA hiring policies, that’s a question for the ages.
Schtulman also has Lou (a dog), the Precinct’s K-9, and officially the third funniest actor, after Michael Winslow and the football player with no former acting experience. He looks just like the dog from Turner & Hooch; in fact, he might be the dog from Turner & Hooch. See, a good actor!
That’s what makes up Their First Assignment, with whatever changes being mostly ornamental, because ya don’t fuck with a good (or strangely successful) thing. It saddens me to say, simply as a blog peddler of sequel opinions, that Their First Assignment stands as the typical “bad sequel.” It just sorta apes its predecessor as much as it possibly can, while also being slightly worse. There is no new thought on this table, nothing to suggest its creators had critically looked at their former film, or been driven by any sort of artistic impetus. Their First Assignment merely exists because people watched Police Academy, which does not augur well for the steady, headlong dive I anticipate from the further sequels.
Though it is worse than Police Academy, which offers some room for discussion – and some opportunity to contemplate just where rock bottom lies. Most notably, as stated, it’s no longer a “slobs vs. snobs.” Their First Assignment drops much of the dirtier humor which gave Police Academy its kick, even if it was just stealing that mentality from Animal House. It is the standard reduction of risqué content in a comedy sequel, almost as though the makers were afraid that the one unique element from before would threaten potential success a second time out.
This sequel drops its rating, from R to PG-13, which is amazing since that wouldn’t even have been possible one year before (thank you, Temple of Doom, for necessitating this wishy-washy rating). There are still a few naked tits on display, with no justification or context, because the MPAA was still ironing out the kinks in this new rating. Still, the genial amount of cursing and sex talk is mostly bye-bye, leaving solely the patented sloppy, childish Police Academy humor.
Gone is the chance for any scene like the first’s infamous podium blowjob. In its place (because such sequels do create parallel set pieces), Mauser’s shampoo is switched with glue, and he gets his hands stuck in his hair. This is the chief joke of the film! While he wiggles his pantsless buttocks for all to see, and rampages the police station in (family friendly) nudity, there is nothing her which rivals the former for off-color goodness. It’s like something a Home Alone rip-off would do ten years later! And really, the jokes feel like something that’d be more at home in a kid-based family film, which these Police Academies ARE NOT.
Okay, fine, there is a little eventual grossness to come of the hair/glue meet-up. Mauser has his hair trimmed (and takes to wearing a toupee, because that is a cheap, easy gag). Some hair remains on his palms. For 5 minutes, he parades around, hands as hirsute as a wild boar, crowing about this fact. Guess where this is going? Yes, at last Mahoney makes a comment about blindness…And that is it. They don’t milk the lead-up to this “cutting,” “witty” remark; they assume the audience will be blindsided (as it were) by Mahoney’s free-spirited jocularity! This is laziness! They don’t even have the good tastelessness to use the word “masturbation,” making this all just a remarkably pale “My First Whacking-Off Joke.”
But the so-called comedy of Their First Assignment doesn’t just fail by neglecting the successful methods of the first. There are further issues with Their First Assignment, owing to its comedically untalented makers. Producer Paul Maslansky surely has little experience in the form, but I’m leaving him be for this entry. The actors, well…
Then there’s new director Jerry Paris, whose greatest fame comes not from directing, but from acting…acting in a minor role on “The Dick Van Dyke Show.” In fact, Paris’ directorial experience also hails from television, doing assorted shows like “Happy Days,” “The Odd Couple,” and assorted rejected pilots. Not to disparage anyone working in TV, but his approach doesn’t suit a motion picture. I don’t just mean that his shots are disengaging and don’t fully utilize the medium – though they are, and they do. No, I mean his comic sensibility is not right for a movie, but better for a TV show – specifically, a TV show with a pre-established comic rapport and a good cast, neither of which Police Academy comes preinstalled with. And owing to Paris’ notable age, nearly 60 upon making Their First Assignment (and in poor health), surely he’s not the right choice to helm a would-be cutting edge comedy. No wonder the Ivan Reitmans and John Landises (young, creative, passionate men all) successfully delivered rousing, studied evolutions of the comic genre, whereas Paris sets the jocular movement back to pre-Marx Brothers levels.
Well, that largely covers the why and wherefore of Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment. That’s without even starting to dissect the climax. That’s not because I’m trying to avoid spoilers (I’m terrible at that already), but because I haven’t the inspiration to discuss it. The conflict is predestined, the whole Zed thing, so it’s just a matter of Mahoney getting predictably suspended at the same minute mark where, in Part One, he was kicked out of the Academy. Then he infiltrates Zed’s Scullions with a malfunctioning police radio they completely fail to make any decent jokes with – and you’d think that’d’ve been ample opportunity for such wackiness, especially with Michael Winslow nearly holding a megaphone. Man, the comic potential they squander is flabbergasting, when Their First Assignment takes such care to map out inessential, go-nowhere scenes like Tackleberry meeting Kirkland’s family, and shit like that.
So, no, I’m not going to discuss the climax.
Or even mention how they replay the Blue Oyster Bar joke from Part One, but so muddled that you basically have to recall it from before to realize it’s just getting lazily retold here, with less skill.
Actually, that sums it up right there. Returning characters aren’t even established, they’re simply presented, as though Police Academy were somehow a comedy classic. (It isn’t.) But even with noted comic mediocrity (the jokes are still too legible for me to call them bad), people seemed to like the Police Academy movies well enough. Their First Assignment was the 10th highest grossing U.S. film of 1985, down from Part One’s # 6. That’s with a $20 million drop in gross, down to roughly $60 million now. That’s to be expected with many a sequel. It’s a producer’s game, truly, with only enough artistry to ensure proliferation. And with Their First Assignment proving no doubt profitable, in a way that can be mathematically graphed alongside the first pre-First, that’s a license to make more, quality or no. This is a long-running series!
RELATED POSTS
• No. 1 Police Academy (1984)
• No. 3 Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986)
• No. 4 Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987)
• No. 5 Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach (1988)
• No. 6 Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989)
• No. 7 Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (1994)
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