Allow me to talk about the most profitable movie of 1992. I don’t mean the most successful, or the highest grossing, simply the film with the best ratio of cost to earnings ($2.5 million to $29 million). God bless this was on the verge of the independent cinema era, when films that weren’t 3 Ninjas could achieve that status.
How does a filmmaker go about ensuring relative popularity on a light budget? Hack work is an easy way to do this, by artlessly combining the popular elements of other recent pop culture triumphs. Then aim your product at a presumably undiscerning audience (in this case, kids), and you’re set. ‘Cause you know, kids don’t know nothing, cannot tell for quality craftsmanship, and can be more easily molded into future Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen-watching filmgoers.
What “inspired” 3 Ninjas? To go by the critical blurb they actually highlight in the film’s advertisements, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Home Alone. (More specifically, they “meet.”) I beg to differ slightly. Those are there, in great proportions, but the fundamental template is The Karate Kid (itself something of a Rocky for kids).
Consider, our introduction to the 3 Ninjas myth-arc is done in the form of a martial arts training montage. That’s right, guys, just cut directly to the most memorable part of The Karate Kid, foregoing the whole preceding hour’s worth of grounding drama. And who’s our fat, balding, elderly Japanese martial arts master teacher today, if not Mr. Miyagi? Why, “Grandpa,” to go off on his credited name, or Mori Tanaka to go by what adults call him. Either way, it’s Victor Wong, not a Japanese actor, of Big Trouble in Little China – and other, lesser films (i.e. 3 Ninjas).
Who are our young, middle class Caucasian students today, if not Daniel LaRusso? Why, the Douglas brothers, our titular trio – played by three real life black belts, Michael Treanor, Max Elliot Slade, and Chad Power. Indeed the boys are supposed to be Grandpa’s grandchildren, race aside, which…well, the movie rather buries the issue, but late in the proceedings their mother does refer to her “Chinese side.” No matter the actress, Margarita Franco, is as Japanese as Benihana. This means our white bread protagonists are meant to be ¼ Asian themselves. Oh well, if it propagates the myth that white folk can learn to be unassailable karate masters over a single summer (see also Michael Dudikoff’s American Ninja, the adult equivalent to 3 Ninjas, made at the opposite end of the ‘80s ninja craze), who cares about genetics?
Let us consider our tween heroes – indeed, this Disney-produced movie (or Touchstone – same thing) aims for the so-called “tween” market, a decade before the conglomerate would trademark that age bracket. Specifically, let us consider the lads in Grandpa’s great ninja-naming ceremony. The eldest, for being the strongest, is named “Rocky” – also, it helps remind us how Sylvester Stallone is indirectly responsible for all this. The middle child, the fastest, is now “Colt.” And the youngest, an off-brand Matter Eater Lad, is called “Tum Tum.” He’s the only one who displays actual American attributes, in that he never stops eating. “Little” Tum Tum can even dredge up jelly beans in any context, with a strangely magical capacity.
Artless dialogue segues to the boys’ father, Sam Douglas (Alan McRae), who happens to be an FBI agent. His quarry is the film’s generic card-carrying villain Snyder (Rand Kingsley), an apparent arms dealer (as much as a family film will even comment), and the sort of guy who actually refers to himself as a “bad guy.” Just so you know the moral grayness of this film. For now Snyder eludes Sam’s capture – because Snyder has ninjas! The sort who wear black suits, and rappel inside warehouses. You know, American Ninjas – this film has little to no connection to Asia, of course.
Secluded with his minion Brown (Joel Swetow), Snyder exposits a most sudden and coincidental synopsis. It seems his former “business” partner is Grandpa, which makes me wonder why the FBI would allow the man’s son-in-law to head the anti-Snyder case. Let’s get all delayed plot twists out of the way early: Grandpa taught Snyder ninjitsu (a word never said in 3 Ninjas), and thus Snyder taught his mook army. And now Snyder wants Grandpa to teach them.
That explains Snyder’s sudden arrival at Grandpa’s woodsy retreat – which is actually just some place in the Angeles National Forest. As part of Snyder’s totally-not-evil “greeting,” a small cadre of black-clad ninjas attacks Grandpa and the boys. Let us focus on how eaily the tweenagers fend off well-trained adult ninjas, for here is the film’s central thesis. Every kick, punch and nut-shot the brothers lobby creates extreme, doubled-over ninja pain. Never mind the 90 pounds these lads way, they send grown men hurtling whole yards. And most blows are accompanied by wacky, wacky sound effects. The whole film is played for comedy, tame pratfalls the central gag.
Once Grandpa has sent Snyder on his cackling way, he proceeds to teach his grandsons the secret, never-to-be-used ninja technique which they shall not ever use (until late in the climax) – the Crane Technique. Oh…wait, that’s The Karate Kid again. No, Grandpa’s technique is something called “pressure points” – and only now do I understand the ninja riddle of slugging a man in the gonads.
Training segment (and central Karate Kid pastiche) over, the boys return to their E.T. suburban cul-de-sac. Here is Rocky’s ‘90s relationship with pre-sexual neighbor lass Emily, and an equally generic conflict with a gang of incredibly hilarious bullies. I swear, the bullies in 3 Ninjas are one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a while, the strange sort of movie studio “bad boy” formed by artlessly combining Boyz n the Hood with back issues of Nintendo Power – and then watered down a bit, to meet Disney levels. To look menacing, these bullies tilt their heads ever so – a tact douchebags retain to this very day.
The Douglas brothers live in a soulless tract home that’s even on the same part of the street as Elliott’s house (E.T.). There’s one issue – daddy Sam is inattentive, on account of being in the FBI and all, so…Oh yes, it’s the old “neglectful father” routine. No live action PG film can go without one! I suspect this is meant for the fathers in the audience, dragged by their hyperactive brood. Of course, any adult watching 3 Ninjas is automatically not a neglectful parent – either that, or he’s a pervert…or a blogger. Or a post-‘90s ironist, which I understand is the main reason people watch 3 Ninjas nowadays.
We occasionally go back to Snyder, who mulls uselessly in his officeOf importance, though, is his scheme to kidnap the Douglas brothers, as leverage over both Sam and Grandpa. See, that’s why you don’t use agents who plausibly know the criminals! Anyway, apparently none of Snyder’s regular goons can do the job, because of “Federal surveillance” (read: a plot contrivance). Instead, Brown suggests a most logical alternative, three kidnappers who shall surely not just be the butt of many, many jokes –
Let’s add Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure to the films 3 Ninjas hopes to mimic. Consider similar era films, like Surf Ninjas, for more evidence of a very sick cross-subcultural pollination problem – which all climaxed with Poochie. Anyway, the three broheims on display are stoned, surfing felons, taken to saying “Dude” as I breathe air. What a deadly drinking game I have in mind! These three, Fester, Marcus and Hammer (Patrick Labyorteaux, Race Nelson and D.J. Harder), are another unintentionally hilarious aspect of this film – I think I laughed more at 3 Ninjas today than I did in 1992, when I was meant to. (Behold, someone from 3 Ninjas’ former target audience!) Consider this standard dialogue: “It’s time for some most excellent breaking and entering, duuuuuude!” Ha hah HA!
I’d love to dive straight into the surfers’ attempted kidnapping, where we enter true Home Alone territory, but first the bullies are back. They’ve stolen Emily’s bike with their bully powers – they are a clever lot – and Rocky resolves to get it back. But he is loathe to utilize his amazing ninjitsu on the fat, fat black child and white trash lackey – even when same ninjitsu is perfectly OK against Snyder’s faceless minions. No, rather Rocky challenges the bullies to a game of basketball – and grants them a 9 point lead…in a best-of-10. That’s called showing off. And while Rocky (and Colt) are relatively extraordinary at basketball – with ninja skills – the bullies use their mighty “shoving” to score. It’s the Vlade Divac approach, and it works.
Okay, now I can address the kidnapping. See, Mom is out for unexplained reasons that night (we later learn she’s with Dad on a “date”), leaving the three ninjas alone with a grizzled old beast woman of a babysitter. The felonious stoners, despite functional illiteracy and the combined IQ of a surfboard, manage to trick their way past the sitter by dressing as pizza men – a “gnarly one” in their assessment. Their future misdeeds shall be delayed a tad, for “first we feast, then we felony.” Dude!
Colt has noticed the evil trio’s entering – solely by accident, as he was strolling along. And just like that the three ninjas cease their playing of “Super Mario Bros. 3” – a great game – and put together a Macaulay Culkin-esque scheme at a moment’s notice to rid their home of stoned criminals. And though they don their ninja garb for this purpose, at no point shall this counter-offensive utilize any actual ninja training. Just Home Alone pastiche.
Okay, the boys’ reasoning for this course of action (rather than, you know, calling the cops): If they stop the surfers (by risking their lives), maybe then Dad will support their ninja training. I think joining a tournament would be more effective (and also more Karate Kid – though we’re mostly done with that one now), but what do I know?
The following section is done with maximum ADD hyperactivity, a sugar rush of lame gags and static camera setups. Thankfully the “wooga wooga” music cues us in to wackiness ensuing. Oh, and they even do the Home Alone hands-to-cheeks “Scream” thing. Better movies tend to reference with a little more skill than this.
As Home Alone was just a series of pre-Saw traps, it works best to recount a Home Alone knockoff with a cold, bloodless list:
- Dressing in white and hiding in the white-sheeted renovation room we never knew about until right now. This allows the bunglers to merely punch each other.
- Drenching the second floor landing in liquid plumber. (Must I remind us this is to make Dad think ninja training is good!) This affords slipping.
- Likewise, did you know jelly beans make one fall down? Neither did I.
- Throwing CDs at the oafs, ninja star style. Okay, points added for actually incorporating ninja into this one. Points off for destroying Mom’s Barry Manilow collection.
- Choking a man with a belt…Actually, I think this one is less “slapstick,” and more “fetish.”
- A potentially lethal gag where a man’s head is plowed through the upstairs railing. Parents, your children are causing untold property damage.
- “Ninja powder bomb” made of flower, and some chili powder. (Tum Tum does this one, because he loves food.)
- Laxative in the Coca-Cola. “Instant diarrhea,” quoth Colt. Tasteful.
- Sharpening scissors with a letter opener, with intent to slit throats.
That last one is never acted upon, which is good since I believe the three ninjas were edging into manslaughter territory. Seriously, what else would you do with sharpened scissors?! Instead, the surfer morons somehow trick Emily into coming over – actually, only Fester does that, as the other two are off defecating their pot-filled intestines out. This is a rather pointless turn of events, for soon Tum Tum rescues Emily (who’s being held at gun point!) with a tennis racket head-clonking. Wakka wakka!
Meanwhile, Rocky and Colt nobly assault the shitters. One is even stabbed in the gut with a boar’s head! Lamentably, the whole bowel evacuation scenario never edges into Dumb and Dumber territory – line uncrossed, the humor remains sterile. Look at me, I’m actually requesting more feces in my movies!
Then Snyder shows up with his minions anyway, because FBI surveillance be damned, to just kidnap the boys anyway. This handily renders the entire Saga of the Stoned Surfer moot…at least we’re up to feature length now!
Snyder drags the boys to a massive cargo ship down by the docks, where his ninja school trains.
Meanwhile, daddy Sam has learned of his sons’ ninja-napping. He’s all set to lead an FBI task force directly to the ship – oh yes, he knows where Snyder’s lair is, for the hell of it, and could end this movie like that [snaps fingers] if he wanted to, only…Grandpa shows up, in full-on ninja pajamas. Dialogue indicates this is just how Grandpa dresses casually, so whatever. Grandpa says he’ll go and save the boys – as a ninja. Okay, sure, knock yourself out, Gramps, let your stunt double go climbing allover terribly patrolled docks, I don’t care!
Grandpa needn’t worry, because the Douglas boys have managed to get out of their cell anyway. For they were assigned a single, lone guard so developmentally incompetent, it…he answers an in-cell telephone call! (The operator, meanwhile, is also in ninja pajamas!) I can see why Snyder wanted Grandpa to retrain his army of screw-ups.
Case in point: Our preteen ninjas, now loose upon the overly-mazelike ship, prove more challenge than the FBI-defeating ninja assassins can handle. Once again, things descend into shenanigan-fu, done in pure checklist form. Thus, yet again I am forced into list-making:
- Sword-wielders simply smacked about. Spanked with their swords.
- Our heroes construct nunchucks out of pipes ripped right out of the wall. Their enemies also have nunchucks; they smack themselves with the weapons, saving our lads the trouble.
- A clearly psychotic swordsman in Noh getup. Wry use of steam pipes defeats him.
- Grandpa throws a ninja star into a henchman’s chest! (I think he may have actually died – let’s not dwell upon this.)
- Brown simply runs headfirst into a pipe. Ladies and gentlemen, our villains.
- Now the whole school of ninjas is bested at once (okay, they’re bested because they use the old “fight one at a time” method). Rocky punches two men at once. Colt sidesteps one fool swinging in on a rope; he smacks into the concrete wall. I’ve seen Daffy Duck do the same thing.
It’s not as epic as the surfer tomfoolery, but can lightning really strike twice in one film?
Anyway, now Rushmore looms. Rushmore is Snyder’s right-hand-goon, a mountainous tub of Asian blubber played by pro-wrestler Professor Toru Tanaka – who reminds me of Harold Sakata. You know, Oddjob. Goldfinger! As the Dragon, the three ninjas will need a cleverer approach to defeat him. It’s time to break out that “pressure point” trick from Act One.
All seems well, but – Uh oh, here comes John Kreese – excuse me, Snyder. Like in the opening of The Karate Kid Part II (yeah, they’ve run out of non-sequels to poach), Grandpa shall have this fight. It’s the closest thing 3 Ninjas has to actual martial arts, with genuine physicality and suspense. And how does Grandpa achieve his victory?
Well…
Stepping back to right before the fight, Grandpa huddles with his grandsons. In this meeting of the minds, Tum Tum slips him jelly beans – which Tum Tum has on his person at all times, just in case. (This was meant to be “accessible” to regular audiences?!) As it’s played, Grandpa’s acceptance of Tum Tum’s beans is meant as a grand emotional statement – the beans are symbolic! And after a whole fight with jelly beans in his hand, Grandpa wins by…shoving them in Snyder’s mouth. I don’t even know how this works! Were they poison? Were they in Tum Tum’s butt? Is Snyder allergic?
It even looks like Grandpa is about to finish Snyder off with Mr. Miyagi’s patented “got your nose move,” only…he does nothing instead. That’s the grand cinematic contribution of 3 Ninjas – lesser variations on better films.
Then daddy Sam arrives, his FBI hoodlums easily taking Snyder’s ninjas. See? Had he not waited (at Grandpa’s request), we could’ve saved a whole act! Factor in the pointlessness of the surfers in Act Two, and you have a film with little genuine content. But plenty of head-clonking!
As an epilogue, Dad agrees to spend some time with his boys – to hell with national security. And the boys get their final victory against the bullies, when Rocky realizes the true moral of 3 Ninjas – violence is always the answer. See, kids, you won’t overcome your adversities until you learn to viciously thrash your opponents at a moment’s notice. Thank you, Disney.
Well, there isn’t much in 3 Ninjas that smacks of quality, certainly nothing which indicates a minor franchise in the making –aside from an accountant’s point of view. Indeed, amongst the stars and production team, we can find only one central player who would go on to do anything of note. But he’s no slouch! I’m talking about director John Turtleltaub. This was his first film, and certainly his least, for nowadays Mr. Turtleltaub is better known for his National Treasure films, as well as 2010’s The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (which I trust someone saw). The man’s gone up in the world, from making rip-offs for preteens to making rip-offs to teens! And gone from producer Shunji Hirano (Who? Wikipedia doesn’t know.) to producer Jerry Bruckheimer.
We shall not be following Turtleltaub’s career. Rather, let us stick with our stars, Grandpa and the Douglas brothers, as sequels coalesce. And see how long this amalgam of predigested pop cultural effluvia can self-sustain. Ninja, please!
Related posts:
• No. 2 3 Ninjas Kick Back (1994)
• No. 3 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up (1995)
• No. 4 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998)
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