Why does this movie exist? Does it exist? Sure it does, watching it proves that, as much as the subconscious wishes it to believe otherwise. But the “why” remains eternally mysterious, for 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up’s anemic $500,000 gross should’ve sent this franchise to an early grave…I mean, an earlier grave than 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain surely dug for it. But it did even worse! Made a mere $375,805! Any B.O. where you list the precise dollar amount is pretty bad. (Still, it’s no Zzyzx Road - $30.)
Perhaps Shin Sang-ok, director of Knuckle Up and producer of Mega Mountain, still sought atonement through this abortive franchise – I don’t know which victimized the poor man more, Kim Jong-il or 3 Ninjas.
It’s doubtful returning star Victor Wong (the esteemed Grandpa) had much riding on Mega Mountain – Poor Wong was clearly in his autumn years, as his bedraggled appearance attests. And he’s barely in this mess, mostly relegated to the opening few minutes – which makes them the best few minutes. Even his latest test for the titular trio, some kind of video game warehouse crazy Saw obstacle course, has a certain moronic charm about it – though I cannot figure out just how this thing exists in Grandpa’s vacant forest. But beyond this one mere scene, Grandpa is limited to reciting the few fortune cookies that passed by writer/director Sean McNamara (now solely allowed to direct episodes of things like “That’s So Raven”). So clearly Victor Wong isn’t the reason for this thing.
The only other returning “stars” are the ninjas’ parents (Alan McRae and Margarita Franco). No one’s ever cared about them. Like Wong, they probably had the greatest actorly motivation of all – contractual obligation.
And it’s sure not the three ninjas themselves who made this a go. Hell, again they’ve been recast, and I mean they’ve all been recast. When Max Elliott Slade turns his back on your franchise, you know you’re finished. Rocky (now Matthew Botuchis) remains as bland as ever. Tum Tum (now J.P. Roeske II) grows ever younger with each new actor – he is now literally 6-years-old, and looks like a cupie doll. He cannot enunciate. And Colt (now Michael J. O’Laskey II) has taken on the world’s worst haircut, a disturbing combo of bowl cut, rattail and mullet. That’s not to mention Colt’s swollen, Angelina Jolie lips. So there’s not much going on here to necessitate a 3 Ninja quadruple dip.
There are other actors though, new actors, name actors, whose combined involvement just may justify the myopic reasoning behind Mega Mountain. In its own sick way, Mega Mountain is an ego project! And the person it’s stroking is none other than –
YEAAAAGHH!
That, friends, is none other than Loni Anderson, of “WKRP in Cincinnati,” in all her spray-tanned, spray-haired, campy Dolly Parton-esque glory. Here she essays the tremendously embarrassing role of Medusa, master criminal (or mistress criminal), and would-be Hans Gruber. In a 3 Ninjas example of “originality,” they’ve branched out in their rip-off pool, neglecting Karate Kid sequels (after all, by now they’d be up to The Next Karate Kid) in favor of Die Hard’s glorious R-rated fare.
It’s the old terrorist takeover scenario, now in the service of children’s entertainment (ah, 1998). The target: Mega Mountain, Mega Mountain being an ersatz Magic Mountain, Magic Mountain being the Six Flags amusement park near Los Angeles. The filming site, though, was Denver’s Six Flags, Elitches Gardens, but whatever. And it is now in the vile clutches of Medusa’s ninja terrorist army, led by the notorious Lothar Zogg (poor Jim Varney, famous as Ernest P. Worrell and the Toy Story Slinky Dog).
It just so happens Medusa’s amusement incursion falls on Tum Tum’s birthday, and he is at Mega Mountain celebrating with his brothers – and also improbable gadgeteer girl Amanda (Chelsey Earlywine). And the coincidences keep on comin’! For the only reason the three ninjas are here is for the one-day-only appearance of Tum Tum’s TV hero, start of a just-canceled “Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers” knockoff (man, even the fiction in the 3 Ninjas universe is nothing but rip-offs) – Dave Dragon!
Meet the heart and soul of Mega Mountain, “Hollywood” Hulk Hogan! This shirt-ripping Hulkamaniac (birth name Terry Gene Bollea) was the darling of the august pro-wrestling community. He was the noble, common Joe hero of the WWF (now WWE) until the mid-90s, when Hulk suddenly turned evil as the leader of the WCW’s nOw. The Hulkster’s opponents in his rise to WrestleMania world champion included the Iron Sheik and Brutus Beefcake, in events like the Bash at the Beach, Dungeon of Doom and Halloween Havoc. (The previous sentences typed with a straight face.) But around 1993, partway through the Hulk’s turn towards darkness, he left the WWF and devoted part of his energies to a film career.
Dismissing the distant outlier that is Rocky III, there is a remarkable consistency (of crap) on Hogan’s film choices. Let’s see, Suburban Commando, Mr. Nanny, Santa with Muscles…3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain. It’s amazing an actor could sink lower than Suburban Commando, let alone three times in a row! Yes, each film is progressively stinkier, and each represents a bizarre effort to fuse the steroid-enhanced camp essence of pro-wrestling with the worst instincts of kid-vid filmmaking. I don’t know what the Hulkster was going for, as far as child-friendly public image and everything, but it’s easiest to assume (in regards to Mega Mountain) that it was the Hulk’s one last, final, desperate attempt to do something filmically before getting swallowed up whole by the WCW.
Obviously, Hogan was wishing for some sort of hero idolization with this effort. What he didn’t realize about all 3 Ninja movies is that adults must never appear competent. That is against the entire “child-ninja kicks consistent adult butt” fallacy which is so engrained into the franchise, it’s never even questioned or explained (consider in contrast the first 3 Ninjas’ attempts to justify its wackiness).
Come for the Hulk, but stay for three no-name preteen blackbelts without acting ability. For the Hulk is shortly shuttled away from the main action, captured with ease by Medusa’s minions (as villains, these adults must be partially competent, in easily wresting Mega Mountain away from other adults). The content of the Hulk’s (or, really, Dave Dragon’s) incarceration with Medusa in the park’s control room is the subject of nightmares. Seriously, I’m shocked such a leather and bondage fetish fantasy scenario could become the backbone of a family film!
That just leaves our bargain basement mini-McClanes, the three ninjas (and Amanda) being somehow the only civilians aware of Mega Mountain’s daylight takeover. This is even with the main gates sealed off, and the whole park staff (non-fatally) replaced. Their efforts to take back Mega Mountain are…boring. It’s the same sequence of implausible, repetitive Caucasian martial arts as always, with a bare minimum of two crotch shots per battle (mixed up on occasions with honest-to-goodness blows to the butthole). And because this movie is cheap, and resolutely non-fatal (one could never argue it is non-violent), the potentially joyous possibility of Die Hard at an Amusement Park never come to fruition. For one, the rides are barely utilized in the “action” sequences – we’re left with fights in vacant line queues.
Of course, it is that Die Hard formula which lends a scant degree of joy to Mega Mountain – unless you’re a connoisseur of bad acting, it’s the only joy to be had. The Die Hard on a _____ subgenre was so prevalent in the ‘90s, a student of this movement could predict Mega Mountain in his sleep.
The Takeover – Medusa’s methods have already been covered. This is also where a Die Hard film butts heads with a 3 Ninjas atrocity. Die Hard works by having a slow buildup to a meticulously constructed scenario; 3 Ninjas needs its inconsequential lunacy to start right away (all scored to seemingly the Lost Woods music from “Ocarina of Time,” through all four films). These two approaches do not mesh.
The Ransom – Why has mastermind Medusa manhandled Mega Mountain?! To demand a hefty ransom, of course, as in the most witless Die Hard rip-offs. That ransom – a hefty $10 million. If that seems paltry, it’s still 30 times more than Mega Mountain itself would make.
Fight # 1 – The McClane(s) discover the terrorists. And fight them. Not kill them, because we’d lose that purely decorative appearance of family friendliness. But simply leaving buffoonish ninjas contused sort of undermines Die Hard’s slow whittling structure.
Contacting the Police – The three ninjas call the cops! I’ll repeat that: The three ninjas call the cops! This is wildly against their usual worldview, but it is a Die Hard element. And exactly like Die Hard, it’s done from the highest point around (for best transmission, which sort of doesn’t make sense in this case). And because Mega Mountain has nothing but contempt for its audience, placing the three ninjas in a tall tower somehow does not result in an action sequence – and their subsequent falling to their deaths.
The FBI Arrives – The Feds set up a triage in the Mega Mountain parking lots. The boys’ dad has something to do for the first time since Part One, since he’s in the FBI. For once, Die Hard and Mega Mountain see eye-to-eye, for the Feds can never be competent (Die Hard), and they’re adults (3 Ninjas). But with a PG film’s fear of bloodshed, they can only be held at bay for stupid reasons – a six-foot-tall electric fence. Way to secure your fortress, Medusa.
The Retaliation – As punishment for the cops’ interference (really more Die Hard 2), Medusa causes one ride to go slightly faster. No, no! We’re edging dangerously close to suspense here, so –
Fight # 2 – The three ninjas beat up the (evil) ride operators. I don’t care to relate how. All the theme park patrons casually exit their former deathtrap, none the wiser as to the mortal terror they are all in. (Keeping the extras in the dark for so long seriously stretches credibility. But then again, I’m imagining credibility in a 3 Ninjas movie, so I have problems.)
Fight # 3 – Medusa pinpoints the ninjas’ location, and sends only her mightiest minions to take care of the job. Here we get a formula element so beloved of the 3 Ninjas movies, one which I was lamenting for its absence (yeah right). That element would be the moron trio!
Meet Medusa’s nephews, names unknown. They don’t even represent a subculture worthy of physical assault, as in the previous films…unless pure buffoonery is a subculture. Having seen Rocky, Colt and Tum Tum easily best ostensibly “serious” ninjas, there is little riding on their conflicts with these three functional illiterates. Let us just focus on how the nitwits are defeated: They’re placed on a ride. Not even a roller coaster, just a merry-go-round. And they scream their fool, mugging heads off. “Live action cartoon” is too kind a designation for this; this stuff actively espouses the glories of mental retardation.
Then the moron nephews vomit on screen. Whilst farting. I can actively feel my brain shrinking.
Fight # It All Just Goes Straight to Hell – Here’s where the rigorous Die Hard aping falls apart, because it’s climax was a careful construct of all which came before, whereas Mega Mountain simply gets worse. Yes, it’s possible. First, Rocky’s girlfriend whom I’ve never mentioned gets kidnapped – okay, this is sort of a Holly Genaro scenario here. She’s tied to a roller coaster’s tracks, because they’re now ripping off The Perils of Pauline of all freaking things, and Rocky must rush to rescue her – while dueling the dread Lothar Zogg.
They feint towards something interesting by setting this scene on top the coaster’s loop. Lothar Zogg even falls off, but rather than die Lothar Zogg bounces off a concession stand’s carnival roof and flies directly into police custody outside of the park. Up yours, movie!
Now a helicopter nears bearing the mighty $10 million ransom. This prompts Medusa to drag her aging, leather-clad ass directly to the park’s center, in broad daylight. Now, there’s nothing in Mega Mountain vaguely reflecting humanity, but the money exchange takes the cake. The delivery man up in the chopper weeps loudly as he throws the cash bags out. Below, Medusa endlessly intones “Money money money” in a way that would seem unusual coming from Scrooge McDuck. I assume the script was written in crayon. Or that (seriously) a small child was heavily involved in its creation.
Medusa and her thugs take their leave of Mega Mountain, descending into the park’s bowels – which look exactly like Snyder’s freighter ship from Part One. This means the inevitable ninja foofaraw is itself practically a shot for shot remake of 3 Ninjas’ climactic moments. Done by someone with 1/386th the skill of John Turtleltaub. Here’s a fun drinking game for this section: Take a shot every time a grown man’s gonads are massacred.
Hulk Hogan makes a surprise reappearance, as we all expect him to save the day. He even gets the closest Mega Mountain can boast to a badass one-liner: “Bring it on! One ninja stew coming up!” Then, with the greatest of ease, Medusa zaps the Hulkster unconscious. “No stew for you.” Oh that’s right, Mega Mountain is filled to the brim with an inexplicably large number of “Seinfeld” references. So these people clearly had access to intelligent entertainment – What went wrong here?!
Then Medusa sets up a bomb, because when all else fails, blow shit up. I’ll get an aneurysm if I try to relate what takes place here, at the end of things. Let’s just same something blows up, it isn’t Mega Mountain (drat!), and Medusa is arrested.
And Tum Tum, the 6-year-old who was recently avoiding murder at the hands of a sword-wielding maniac, declares it the best birthday ever.
Boy, talk about representing everything that is systemically wrong in children’s entertainment! There is nothing in the horribly-titled 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain which can amuse an adult, parent or no, without copious degrees of substance abuse or brain damage. And it is pandering towards a youth market in the worst possible way, with its foul combination of ill-founded premises, poor wit, and crotch mutilations. Many people use terms like “it was good, for a family film.” This is the wrong attitude to take. Our entertainment for children ought to be, if anything, better made – these are developing human beings, with a better sense for quality than adults are willing to credit them. Witness Mega Mountain’s anemic gross for an example. There was pretty much not a soul suckered into this worthless abomination. It simply rests as a testament to the folly of the 3 Ninjas franchise, a blindly self-perpetuating example of an outdated notion of children’s filmmaking. And may it stand for all time, as a warning to others: “Down this path thou shall not tread.”
Related posts:
• No. 1 3 Ninjas (1992)
• No. 2 3 Ninjas Kick Back (1994)
• No. 3 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up (1995)
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