Disney (or really, Touchstone) got what they wanted out of 3 Ninjas: the start of director John Turtleltaub’s slide from bad mediocrity into good mediocrity. No sequels would be forthcoming. So TriStar acquired the 3 Ninja name (for what difference it makes) and ushered in the rest of the series.
In 1992 they started immediate production on a follow-up, not titled 3 Ninjas 2 or 4 Ninjas or something mathematically complicated like that, but rather 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up. This was to be released a mere year following 3 Ninjas’ triumph – yes, strike while that iron’s hot, for this series has a rapidly maturing target audience of 11 and 11½. And yet…Knuckle Up was not released in 1993, for reasons the Internet is very tight-lipped about. Presumably, it wasn’t good enough.
Instead, work began on a second sequel, 3 Ninjas Kick Back (named after the misappropriated funds from Knuckle Up). Though this was the third 3 Ninjas movie filmed, it was the second one released – therefore, it is Part Two. And never mind the cast changed up somewhat by this stage (seeing as actors age at the same rate as normal human beings). Of our titular trio, the Douglas brothers – steadfast Rocky (Sean Fox), simply fast Colt (Max Elliott Slade), and gourmand Tum Tum (J. Evan Bonifant) – only Colt’s actor remains from the original. Ergo, Colt gets the biggest character arc in Kick Back. The other kids are new – and Tum Tum has somehow de-aged to keep the trio’s average age the same as before.
Victor Wong is still around, of course, in the role of Grandpa Mori Shintaro. (Strange, in 3 Ninjas he was called Mori Tanaka – The continuity gods have also forgotten what the Douglas brothers’ house once looked like, so whatever.)
The great rip-off machine that was 3 Ninjas is somewhat tempered – out of the new team’s inability to accomplish even that. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles connection remains, purely by dint of the franchise’s founding premise. The Home Alone stuff is condensed into a single section. Only the Karate Kid plagiarism continues apace, although now they’ve gone with The Karate Kid Part II on account of this is a Part Two. Consider. The elderly Japanese karate teacher (Grandpa, Mr. Miyagi) is returning to his tiny hometown in Japan, accompanied by his pupil(s), where conflict shall arise with his powerful childhood rival. And that’s not counting the equivalent love interest scenario, et cetera. The lone true difference is one of tone, with Kick Back sacrificing The Karate Kid’s reverence for Japanese culture in favor of insane ADD sugar rush idiocy Hell, Kick Back makes the original 3 Ninjas seem sedate!
Still, it’ll be a full third of a film before we can reach Japan – due to the tyranny of three act structure misapplied. And while we’re all primed to see Grandpa return his ceremonial “Best Ninja of 1947” dagger to the town of Koga – where he won it by defeating an evil ninja also called Koga for some reason – instead the movie shall spin its wheels with…a baseball game! Yeah, that’s what we’re here to see. All three prepubescent ninjas are playing for the Little League Dragons, despite their 6-year age difference, and having a mighty tough time of winning against the bully-ridden Mustangs. What is it with these films? They depict kids easily besting hoards of blackbelts, and yet bullies remain an issue! Perhaps it’s the filmmakers’ (and director Charles T. Kanganis’ – who?!) ill-founded effort to make events “relatable” to their audience. Who cares?
It is amazing. This baseball game continues on far out of proportion with its plot utility – which is to set up Colt’s arc by depicting his temper. Rather, we’re nearly 15 minutes into this 90 minute flick by the time the game finally lets up. The time in between is populated by context-free incidents. Like so many elements from 3 Ninjas, these events can only be conveyed through the art of the list:
- Tum Tum, the catcher, accidentally catches his own hotdog (!) instead of the baseball. Because this “relatable” child, with his demented food-lust, has a hotdog on his person at all times. I’m no Freudian, but…
- Rocky, the pitcher, is horny. Thus, he is distracted by a somewhat fat chick, Lisa, and walks his opponent.
- A rival child takes the plate, all while feasting on canned chili – What is with the food?! This leads directly into The Most Artless Fart Joke of All Time, as the lad flatulences endlessly and repeatedly while batting, while running the bases, and for about a minute afterwards. Sometimes such sick overkill works (Mr. Creosote in The Meaning of Life), but here it seems based on a basic misunderstanding of comedic principles.
- Colt is walked. That is, the ball strikes his face.
- The entire game devolves into a massive wrestling pile, Tum Tum’s hotdogs strewing everywhere (hello again, Dr. Freud). The game is suspended for one week.
- For good measure, the fat child farts some more.
Well…that was a waste of time. Even worse, it leaves the Douglas brothers wildly opposed to a Japanese vacation (except for Tum Tum, who wants to see sumo because “they eat a lot of food” – this characterization is strange). Also, their father Sam (returning thespian Alan McRae) abhors their ninja training, conveniently forgetting the lesson he learned in Part One so he can learn it again – ah, sequel-necessitated plot amnesia. Basically, he thinks all his boys should do, day in and day out, is play baseball. In this film’s universe, baseball is the only important thing on earth – and it doesn’t even take place in Boston!
This plot isn’t going to start itself, so let’s meet Koga the man (Sab Shimono) – a villain. He wishes to steal Grandpa’s dagger, because the dagger can open the door to a cave of gold (sure, why not). For reasons even less evident than its parallel in 3 Ninjas, Koga hires a trio of drug-using wastrel twenty-somethings to commit this deed. Before, it was surfers; now, it’s three metalheads, or glam rockers, or something…whatever it is, it’s not as good.
Meet the trio of idiotic (yet multicultural) clowns: Vinnie, Slam and Glam (Jason Schombing, Angelo Tiffe, Dustin Nguyen). They more or less just stroll outright over to Grandpa’s cabin. Taking one look at them, the three ninjas decide upon a policy of physical assault – because this happened on Part One. This is the shortened Home Alone section, dumb-dumbs bested by a series of slapstick traps instead of by ninjitsu. It’s not worth getting into the details. But behold one meta moment: “Who are you guys, Teenage Mutant Wannabes?” Speak it, Glam! “We’re the three ninjas!” Oh damn it.
The dagger remains unstolen. And now Grandpa is taking it alone to Japan, to present the dagger to the victor in Koga’s (the town’s) ninja tournament – apparently this tournament skips several generations, since Grandpa’s had the dagger in the U.S. for Pazuzu knows how long.
Grandpa is in Japan for a mere few seconds when the mosher morons – in Japan too through the power of cinematic shorthand – have gotten the better of him – through the powers of sheer idiocy. See, they accidentally rear ended his taxi while staring at the local businessmen bowing – in Kick Back’s assessment, Japan consists of nothing but bowing. So Grandpa is given “hilarious” whiplash, while the dimwits collect his satchel presumably containing the dagger.
Taking it back to Koga (the man), they find instead it has only Tum Tum’s still-primed mousetrap. Considering this gag was set up 5,500 miles ago, this isn’t planet Earth’s most efficient slapstick. As it turns out, the three ninjas back in L.A. have the dagger, due to an elaborate set of coincidences at home in either a mid-90s family comedy or a Final Destination film.
Grandpa phones his Caucasian grandsons with the news, all while being comically tortured by a whale-like nurse. And FINALLY the Douglas boys shall be travelling to Japan, to deliver Grandpa’s dagger to Koga (the town). To affect their escape from the U.S., they use a form of “ingenuity” Rocky called “ninjanuity.” This basically boils down to packing their bags, leaving a note, and purchasing their plane tickets with a recording of Grandpa’s voice – this being one of the Home Alone gags Part One didn’t pilfer. And all this is done in the fastest fast-forward footage found in film – Kick Back has a studied devotion to ADD, it does.
When Mom returns home and sees her sons’ note, she even screams like Catherine O’Hara in Home Alone – okay, they’re ripping it off more than I’d claimed.
Soon enough, the lads are with Grandpa in the Tokyo hospital, having endured the first of many time-wasting montages set to…I think it’s called “Jap rap.” Or jal-pop, maybe. Anyway, time is killed with more of the same torturous nurse gag. Then Grandpa charges his grandsons with their trek to the ninja tournament. They go on their way, as a new nurse enters to rend Grandpa’s mortal coil – this “nurse” being the fattest man the filmmakers could find, dressed in drag. It’s not pretty.
The town of Koga pretty much looks like Kyoto, only with flat cinematography. It’s shown in montage. The three ninjas reach the ninja tournament, which has three hundred ninjas. Going to Japan, and reveling in genuine martial arts, is the smartest thing this movie could have done, and here’s where it works the best – the ninja battles are far better choreographed than anything else in the franchise, perhaps because they’re not struggling to camouflage Grandpa’s stunt double, or having a 3-foot tall boy kick grown men across the room.
Colt grows overconfident about his own great white ninja badassery, and sneaks his way into the tournament by ethically dubious means. He fights another ninja in the final – I don’t think this franchise’s definition of “ninja” coincides with Wikipedia’s – and loses. And that other ninja is…“A girl?!” Ah, family films, where the same plot twist I’d assumed died out with ‘50s sci-fi films can perpetuate. This preteen girl, by the way, is Miyo (Caroline Junk King), the potential “fourth ninja” had they wanted to go with a different title.
The Grand Master deigns Miyo shan’t receive the dagger until Grandpa can arrive – ah, plot stalling. In the interim, the three ninjas lodge with Miyo in what looks to be an ancient religious shrine – but which the film assures us is a Japanese suburban home.
Miyo wishes to play baseball – yes, movie, they play baseball in Japan – but cannot catch. Also, she confuses “bats” and “butts,” in an extended abortion on the “Who’s On First” routine. What a coincidence! Colt is good at baseball (we’re meant to believe), and Miyo’s good at ninja. They can teach each other! I sense montage!
Meanwhile, the moron mosher trio has tracked the dagger back to Miyo’s place in Koga (the town). Koga (the man) sees basic logic, at last, and opts to send his mightiest henchmen – countless, easily defeatable ninja. Also Yakuza. This leads to a comic chase between these 50 men and 4 children throughout holiest Japan, pitched to the rafters – sometimes literally. Oh, and ninjas can be defeated by pantsing. Keep that in mind, the next time ninjas assault you in a darkened alley. They can also be tripped by Tum Tum’s jelly beans, which is a gag from Part One.
After enough vague wackiness has been wrung from this scenario, Koga (the man) captures the four children, collects the dagger, and holds them all prisoner in his secret ninja compound – a prominent building in the center of town. The trio, even sumo-psycho Tum Tum, grows homesick. The film’s dubious lesson: never leave the United States, other cultures make worse cheeseburgers.
Though Koga (the man) now possesses the dagger, he needs Grandpa to know where the cave of gold is – because that’s something they tell winners of the ninja tournament, apparently. Grandpa must be kidnapped, but Koga (the man) again suffers a standard villain brain aneurism, and sics his three nitwits on Grandpa instead of, you know, using his ninja army. And how do those window-lickers attempt this?
By dressing in drag! Japan, by Kick Back’s assessment, is nothing but hyperactivity and men dressed as nurses – when in reality that’s only the Akihabara district. And this segment, though it revels in the same insistent immaturity as the whole, is something I find more enjoyable…for some reason. Mostly because I, at home, whooped and nyucked like a Stooge throughout. And though Vinnie, Slam and Glam are predictable failures in their attempted kidnapping, Koga’s (the man’s) henchmen just come right in and get the job done anyway. Really, they only gave us the metalheads’ swansong for reasons tenuously connected to entertainment.
Now Grandpa sees his grandsons (and Miyo) cordoned away, he reveals the cave’s location – beneath Castle Ikune, which is conveniently right across the street. Ye gods! Off go Grandpa, Koga (the man), and many top henchmen, leaving the three ninjas under the watchful eye of some dumb, dumb guards. So they escape. A brief chase about Koga’s (the man’s) compound is the chance for a little more ninja vs. child action – those ninjas never stood a chance. Even in a Chinese Connection conundrum – Bruce Lee’s greatest forgotten effort – our stumpy heroes prove untouchable. And as a “level boss,” the rooftop has some sumo on it. For whatever reason. So Tum Tum gets to satisfy his desire to meet sumo, and then he kicks their asses. (One of the sumo then farts. Oh yes.)
Also on the rooftop, for equally arcane reasons, are two hang gliders. The youths use these to reach nearby Castle Ikune, because they filmed a hang gliding sequence and had to squeeze it in someplace.
Grandpa leads Koga (the man) et al into the caves, represented by the mine set from Temple of Doom. Also, the scaffolding from Once Upon a Time in China is there, which is the chance for an under-realized action sequence later on. It’s action sequence by way of pratfalls, of course. I’m no longer sure how to convey the tone and content of these sequences, so rather just pound back a six pack of Mountain Dew and clang your head repeatedly with a pan.
Naturally, there is the final conflict between Grandpa and Koga (the man). Koga (the man) is only defeated when the three ninjas spill into the gold room via an inexplicable slide – like the sumo and hang gliders, etc., I’m not sure why this is here. But then Koga (the man) produces a pistol, cackling about how it makes him the world’s greatest ninja somehow.
Colt gets to save the day. He has a ninja ball in his pocket, which they’ve kept on harping about like any good “gun on the wall.” Using the mysticism of the ages, Colt throws this ball into Koga’s (the man’s) gun barrel – Quick! Does this image remind you of anything?
That’s right, Die Another Day ripped off 3 Ninjas Kick Back, which is a very bad thing.
His gun now exploded, Koga (the man) sees the true meaning of ninjitsu – “A true ninja is free of all desire.” Also, the gold cave has collapsed in on itself, because no story of this sort ever allows the hero to wind up with the treasure – except for John Turtleltaub’s National Treasure. And, well, everything’s resolved, a wacky adventure in Japan is complete, and so –
Say what?! There’s 13 more minutes left?! Oh…oh no. You know what that means…
Baseball! Satisfying Kick Back’s real concern (over ninjas, Japan, all that fun stuff), we must see seemingly the entirety of the boys’ follow-up baseball game. Once again, this film takes on a poor sense of pacing equal to the sport itself. That means it’s list time:
- The farting child farts. He fart-propels his way all across the bases. Why are we going back to this fecund well?! (As gag “escalation,” there’s now even use of aerosol spray and clothespins on the nose.)
- One of the Dragons (the good team) catches a would-be home run. It turns out it’s Miyo. “A great catch – by a girl?!” Every human on the field suffers sudden gender shock.
- Dad congratulates his boys, once again understanding ninja’s utility at film’s end.
- But the film isn’t over. Colt is up to bat, bases loaded, down by three at the bottom of the ninth. Yeah, it’s that classic climactic baseball setup which never actually happens. And predictably, Colt hits a home ru- wait, it’s a foul.
- Miyo hands Colt her “rucky butt.” Okay. Again Colt bats, as now the baseball is beach ball-sized. Uh?! Audience thus distracted, Colt hits his prescribed home run.
And to cap the film off, Miyo uses her ninja skills to thrash a boy with a mullet, because we always have to end on a note of physical violence. The screen even fades away with the boy’s horrified screams – it’s a horror movie ending!
Until Tum Tum appears over the end credits themselves, directly asking me for food! You know, I’m done trying to engage this film.
Sequel devolution is such a common problem, people assume it plagues all sequels. No, just mercenary cash-grabs like this one, which offer up caricatured catalogues of the first film’s greatest weaknesses – and the original 3 Ninjas was pretty derivative anyway. This thing barely resembles a movie, any more than an alien’s sideways assumption of what a movie might be. And in these 90 minutes, there’s a full 25 minutes worth of baseball action – that’s probably more than in an actual baseball game. 3 Ninjas Kick Back is never boring, as mystifying as it is, and would make for a great ironic, substance-fueled debauch. But that’s the sad contemporary fate of these films – they work now only for unintentional reasons.
Related posts:
• No. 1 3 Ninjas (1992)
• No. 3 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up (1995)
• No. 4 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998)
No comments:
Post a Comment