The Jungle Cruise is a major hit-and-miss attraction that solely depends on your skipper. If you have a great skipper, then we definitely are in for a good time. If it’s a skipper that could not care less, then you are about to lose 10 minutes of your life that you will never get back. Now, I have assembled an epic list of epicness involving people that you and I know that should host the Jungle Cruise for at least one day. I am open to ALL suggestions, as I know I am missing people. But for now, this is my personal list of whom I would absolutely love to see work the attraction:
Pick #1: Gus Johnson
The most exciting Jungle Cruise in the history of mankind will occur as soon as this man steps up and narrates the adventure. The amount of excitement alone will make up for the fact that Hollywood Studios still has not gotten rid of their new crappy parade.
His Standout Line: "...backside of WATERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Pick #2: Christopher Walken
I have no reason to explain myself.
Standout Line: "These monkeys.....got my car to turn over!"
Pick #3: Gilbert Gottfried
Loud, obnoxious, annoying, irritating, infuriating, and absolutely soul-crushing. However, he would still be a lot of fun to watch. Yelling at everything in sight. I would pay top dollar to see him mention the backside of water.
Standout Line: "THIS IS THE BACKSIDE OF WATER!!!!!! TAKE A GLANCE!!! YOU'LL PROBABLY NEVER SEE THIS AGAIN!! UNLESS YOU RIDE THIS DARN THING A SECOND TIME!! BUT WHY WOULD YOU???"
Pick #4: Robin Williams
Take his insane stand-up act, all his impressions, his relentless energy, and transfer it to the Jungle Cruise. Potential Result? Priceless.
P.S. His unpredictability might lead to his firing on day one.
Standout Line: "Do you know what this temple reminds me of? It reminds me of [censored].."
Pick #5: Samuel L. Jackson
He has one of the coolest voices in all of Hollywood. His awesomeness can save any boring trip to the Jungle Cruise.
P.S. He can only perform this at night---when the kids are gone.
Standout Line: “I’m tired of these mo------ f------- props in this mo-------- f-------- ride!!”
Pick #6: Lewis Black
The angriest and loudest comedian in show business with a heavy political slant would be perfect for this ride.
Standout Line: "Oh look, its the Republican National Convention!! I wonder what BRIGHT IDEAS they are coming with now!!"
Pick #7: Norm Macdonald
His absolute deadpan humor matches well with the dry humor of Jungle Cruise. And if all else fails, he can always play Death again…
Standout Line: "This river can go for niles, niles, and niles. And eh, if you folks don't believe me, you're inde-nile. Eh, this joke can also stretch for niles, niles, niles, niles..."
Pick #8: James Woods
He is like Christopher Walken, he makes everything automatically better. You can put him on Glee, and I will watch it religiously just because he is in it.
Standout Line: I can't even think about imitating him....
Pick #9: Stephen Colbert
Bringing the Colbert Report to the Jungle Cruise would be outstandingly hilarious.
Standout Line: "TONIGHT! We travel straight through four different rivers, multiple jungles, and even a secluded temple! Then, maybe THEN, will we find Glenn Beck's common sense."
Pick #10: Morgan Freedman
Everything he narrates turns out to be epic. Jungle Cruise would be no different. I think him narrating his life while navigating the guests through the cruise would be hilarious.
Standout Line: "I remember the first time I laid my eyes on that butterfly. His wingspan was a while 12 inches. Now, its just a measly foot.."
I know I am missing other epic potential hosts. Anyone have any ideas?
Boy am I bored.
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