Hercules, No. 12 - Hercules in the Land of Darkness (1964)

First, some housekeeping…

Hercules No. 10, Hercules, Samson and Ulysses (1963), has been skipped over due to lack of availability. Find a quick consideration of it here, hidden amidst a larger consideration of the feeble Samson series. Suffice to say it is a crossover.


Meanwhile, Hercules No. 11, Hercules vs. the Moloch (also 1963), is equally unavailable. It features Gordon Scott’s lone, token portrayal as the Herc-meister. It seems now that the series was just cycling through the entire pantheon of pectoral-pushing he-men who made up the genre’s backbone. Scott can be seen doing likewise with Maciste in Maciste vs. the Vampire.

Or maybe Scott never played Hercules, for Hercules vs. the Moloch instead dramatizes a bargain basement bodybuilder named Glauco assuming the Herc’s identity. Eh, as long as the “Hercules” name is used, it counts towards the franchise, I guess. This light bit of trickiness is all that separates Moloch from the usual tale of an Ancient Kingdom under tyranny, saved by a demigod’s muscles. Well, that and the presence of the Moloch, an evil cult which puppet-rules said Ancient Kingdom, and demands sacrifices of the most beautiful males and females available. Much like the Italian film industry itself!

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Now for Hercules No. 12, Hercules in the Land of Darkness (1964).

Or Son of Hercules in the Land of Darkness, because this is another one picked up on by TV’s “The Sons of Hercules.” I’ve already parsed over this ridiculousness…

Or Hercules the Invisible for some damn reason.


Another Hercules, another jerk plays the Herc: Dan Vadis, another castoff of Mae West’s famous “let’s hornily ogle the bodybuilders” troupe (see also Mickey Hargitay, Reg Lewis, Gordon Mitchell). He brings nothing to the table except the ability to stand still, look muscular, and flatly recite his lines without emotion (though that fault is split with his dubbing artist).

Hercules in the Land of Darkness, like Dan Vadis himself, is so generic that there’s hardly anything to respond to. The storyline could well be the universal peplum template at this late stage, with zero of the creative/ridiculous changeups necessary to keep things fresh. The possibility remains that it could be helmed with dignity and poise. Except the director is Alvaro Mancori, of Ulysses vs. Hercules and Maciste, the Strongest Man in the World – two of the lousier pepla. So there is basically no value to Land of Darkness.

Hercules (or, um, Argolese, if you prefer the TV version) begins by simply wandering aimlessly in the woods, a common beginning. He’s never given a nationality or an agenda or anything, so we accept he exists merely to happen upon plotlines, then do his thing.

Today he happens upon princess Telca (Spela Rozin), and to believe pepla, you run into princesses randomly in the forest with almost the same regularity as you do lions – or lion footage. Speaking of which, here’s some now, for Dan Vadis to do unimpressive battle with. Actually, I think I’ve seen this exact same lion footage before, though I can’t say precisely where – it’s all a blur...

Hercules, the dumbass (Vadis portrays him as a weakling, easily sapped on his energies by a single freaking lion!), accompanies Telca to her king-father Tedaeus (Hugo Arden), of the Kingdom Wherever. Hercules wants to wed Telca, you know how these bland romances are (as opposed to the seductress romances). Tedaeus announces Hercules must go kill a dragon, why the hell not, so Hercules sets out to do so, for no narrative reason.

First he visits an Oracle (Sand Beauty – really?!), an excuse for a truly piss poor quasi-Bava-esque attempt to duplicate the actually good Hercules in the Haunted World.

Then he up and finds that dragon – What, you thought this would be a movie-long plot thread! Nah! Actually, the geniuses behind Land of Darkness couldn’t even create their own rinky-dinky dragon, so they pilfered the dragon footage (lion footage I can understand, but dragon footage?!) right out of the original 1958 Hercules. So…behold Dan Vadis “fighting” a $3 stop motion creature he was never meant to duel. At least it saves making a new screen cap.


With Hercules out of the way – though he was never in of the way until the plot insisted upon it – the expected Kingdom of Evil can ride into Tedaeus’ capitol city – which now rather resembles a bunch of thatch huts – and burn it. And enslave all the “good” people. Which’ll keep the Herc occupied from now on. Do note chief nogoodnik Kabol, played by Ken Clark – who more usually prefers appearing in American crap, such as Attack of the Giant Leeches and South Pacific.

Kabol lugs his lugs to a new, actually grand palace – the same damn palace set as always. Evil seductress queen for the day: Queen Ella (Carla Caló). Okay… This scene has no more point! … Why won’t it end?!

Hercules discovers the burning faggots of Kingdom Wherever. Luckily for nobody, he also finds a rotund man who is ostensibly humorous: Babar (John Simons – the ass’ only film). I guess there is one unique thing about Land of Darkness…it is somewhat more dedicated to bad humor than most Herculeseseses – excepting the utterly wretched Maciste vs. Hercules in the Vale of Woe [shudder!]. Simons’ “comic” acting consists almost wholly of him striking half-assed “goofy” faces on indeterminate occasions. Jim Carrey he ain’t.

They trek along, momentarily hassled by bear footage now. Then, because this movie would go nowhere if it didn’t happen, they see many evil horsemen up and ride along, crossing a rocky drawbridge into what is best described as the B.C. version of the volcano lair in You Only Live Twice.


Hercules moves a tree trunk prop to create another bridge over this chasm. Once he and Babar are over, they find…the exact same one acre of wilderness setting they’ve already been trudging through. Ye gods, I could find more exterior settings right now, and I live in the center of Chicago! Oh, and they also pass that spring from Hercules Unchained, setting off some stupid javelin traps that seem to be an Indiana Jones rip-off, were such a thing possible. At the risk of the space-time continuum, I’ll say it is.

Then into a cave set!...The same damn cave set from all of these. Boring! Stretching out time, Herc sneaks around guards, fights guards, finds cages, speaks with Telca’s brother (Red Ross – really?!), then we never see him (Red Ross) again. Efficiency! And he (Hercules) throws some goons into a muck orifice later dialogue actually insists upon calling, at length, the Pit of Slime. Wow.

Oh, and those slaves are mining…something, which I think is specifically a rip-off of Temple of Doom (which I’ve been linking to a lot lately – and am pointlessly watching as I type this). Keep in mind Maciste, the Strongest Man in the World had the exact same setup – hey, Mancori’s an auteur!


What now? After some more levity-free moments of sheer idiocy with the palace guards, Hercules is captured for no other reason than the story calls for it. When he’s supposed to be in “Hero Mode,” he’s nigh unstoppable.

But for now, Herc’s in that throne room, with Ella. Next on the formula checklist: Feat of Strength™! Eh, elephants (actual, not just footage) yank Dan Vadis in both directions; he overcomes them. And since this interpretation of Hercules is a sissy girly man, he prays to his lord Zeus/Jupiter first. He’s a weakling! That, or he’s a good example of paganistic piety.


Because formula demands this, though I never understood the character motivation behind the subplot even once, Ella falls in lust with Hercules’ “strength,” and sequesters him away to be her one-man harem. And Hercules goes along with it! In peplum after peplum, the villainess forgets the threat the hero poses to her, and the hero forgets that he’s supposed to pose a threat. Even though he’s granted total freedom of movement while in sexual “slavery.” And there’s not even any Waters of Plot Convenience or anything to justify it! Ugh!

And now for…

PART 2!

That’s right, I’m watching a TV reedit, which split this dreck up in twain, as though viewers would have any interest in the second half. This becomes, totally by accident, the best part of the enterprise, as smack dab in the middle of the movie they provide a preview trailer/spoiler for the complete rest of the film. Coupled with actually decent editing (the one spot where the Americans undoubtedly altered the Italian original), the series of fights and rock throwings come look legitimately exciting. They’ll prove in practice to be as stale as a skunk’s perineum, but it was fun to be briefly amused.

Then it’s back to standard business, as we check off the dancing girl requirement with nary a point behind it. But do you need a reason for this?


In regards to this bizarre seductress romance we’re mired in: The filmmakers deign it nullifies Ella’s threat as a villainess, so…they have some random wench up and appear and stab her right the hell in the back! Now this new harlot assumes, somehow, Ella’s spot, claiming even to be the daughter of Kabol, and thus herself queen, the instant she mates with her father, and – Look! This is just retarded. Let’s just say there are still bad guys, and move along.

Having wasted enough of everyone’s time with genre essentials, Hercules remembers what he was put on this Gaia to do – SMASH! He (and Babar) resumes his fucking irritating variety-free creeping throughout the caverns, thwomping guards as it suits ‘im and otherwise progressing nothing.

Once again, the lone moments of entertainment in Land of Darkness come from something having nothing to do with the original movie. For about a minute, my TV goes on a vision quest, all beautiful, bright, swirling colors. I really don’t think a DVD should be able to do this:


When things again become sane, we hunker down for the climax already. Telca is about to be sacrificed under the false assumption she killed Villainess # 1 (by a mechanism the filmmakers never even bothered to clarify, so really Telca’s just randomly lashed prone in a skimpy dress ala Willy in, yes, Temple of Doom).

And Hercules is told (by Babar, because there’s no way the Herc can parse out mental notions on his own, though damned if I know where Babar learned this) that the Kingdom of Evil has, in essence, a kill switch. There is this one chain, and by performing a simple Feat of Strength™, Hercules may destroy the entire civilization with lava. Now…tell me…why the HELL would you install one of those things?! It doesn’t even make roundabout sense, like the similar scenario in Hercules and the Captive Women. This is just asinine!


So Hercules floods the entire city with molten Kool-Aid. Miraculously (that is, arbitrarily), only the bad guys die painful and needless deaths, as every single goodie escapes, even though they were locked in fucking cages. You know, for such a derivative work, you’d think they could do a better job of justifying the essential plot moments.

Oh well, it’s done. Let us all cheer Telca. Yeah, for some reason she gets the glory, as Hercules beside her idly performs a pec dance. End.


Dan Vadis did one more crummy Hercules movie before moving on to semi-obscurity in lesser Spaghetti Westerns (making him one of the more successful peplum bodybuilders). This one is lost to U.S. DVD/assorted illegal online resources, so I’ll just toss off The Triumph of Hercules now, to get it over with.

Hmm, evil king, evil seductress, good girl, a bad kingdom persecutes a good kingdom, enter Hercules. Yup, this one’s as formulaic as the last! Just fill in a Mad Lib of available animal footage (or just reuse that same danged lion bit again), and you’re good to go. Oh, and let’s toss in at least one unique detail, making this already superior to Land of Darkness. The Triumph of Hercules specifies it’s Herc vs. “a race of giant warriors.” Knowing cheapjack Italian special effects, they’re most likely represented by dudes noticeable smaller than Dan Vadis. But let us not speculate on the chintziness of an unseen peplum, when there are lamentably more actually available to view.


RELATED POSTS
• No. 1 Hercules (1958)
• No. 2 Hercules Unchained (1959)
• No. 3 The Revenge of Hercules (1960)
• No. 4 Hercules vs. the Hydra (1960)
• No. 5 Hercules and the Conquest of Atlantis (1961)
• No. 6 Hercules id the Haunted World (1961)
• No. 7 Maciste Against Hercules in the Vale of Woe (1961)
• No. 8 Ulysses vs. Hercules (1962)
• No. 9 The Fury of Hercules (1962)
• No. 10 Hercules, Samson and Ulysses (1963)
• No. 16 Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon (1964)
• No. 17 Hercules, Samson, Maciste and Ursus (1964)
• No. 18 Hercules and the Princess of Troy (1965)
• No. 19 Hercules the Avenger (1965)